My Awful Daughter
You’re not often gonna meet someone as fucked up as my 2-yr old daughter. Based on her behavior, you’d assume that she is drunk or high on drugs though I’ve never actually caught her using. The behavior is bizarre enough that I’ve decided to let the whole Internetworked Webernet know what I’m talking about (note: only 3 people read my Tumblr, 2 of whom are my wife & Mom).
This is a girl who will make me put my sleeves down if they’re rolled up (she will cry if I don’t), gives the fish an entire container of food, spills her drink 2 out of 3 times she has one and believes that her shadow can be eaten. When I pee, she has to get 4 inches away from my wang dang doodle to look at the hole it’s coming out of. She says “happy birthday!” to a family member every couple of days even when their birthday is months away. And her attitude can only be described as nihilist, as “no” is by far her favorite & most frequently used word. In fact she often says “no” when she actually means “yes” just for the fuck of it.
Her issues surrounding food are indicative of the type of sicko we’re dealing with here. While most normal people don’t give 2 shits what color vessel their food is served in, this is paramount to determining whether she will eat her food or cry. And with bowls, again, it has to be a particular type of bowl or she won’t eat it. She will make me prepare 4 different dishes for a meal & have 1 bite of 1 of them. Minutes later she’ll complain that she’s hungry. But curiously she would be happy to eat an entire jar of capers at just about any time. Capers? Where the fuck does that come from? Hot dogs must be meticulously cut into strips to make a star shape whose center is ketchup (note: this violates the international law that mustard only is allowed on hot dogs, ketchup goes on hamburgers) which acts as a sort of glue for the points of the star. Roughly ¾ of what she “eats” ends up on the floor or in her hair.
Then there’s the “help” she provides to my wife & I with just about anything we might do around the house. This “help” roughly doubles the amount of time a particular task may take & oftentimes just ruins it, in the case of cooking. Whatever you happen to be making she’ll need to pour the flour or soy sauce or cayenne powder into it. A fraction of the contents makes it in, meaning that the proportions are off & the dish is potentially ruined, to say nothing of the mess. She’ll also make “suggestions” about other ingredients that might enhance a recipe, like she did today, offering to put a pine cone into the muffin batter. Recently I was cutting some wood using a mitre saw & she says “can I do one?” but it turns out I didn’t feel like going to the morgue that day. You get the sense that if I were making nuclear centrifuges she’d offer to do 1 or 2 or at the very least calibrate them.
These are the things she does on a daily basis. Now you’re saying to yourself “why don’t you just kick her ass out?” which is a reasonable question, but there’s just one problem - she’s COMPLETELY dependent on us for just about everything. She’d be gone in a Newark minute if there wasn’t something almost “endearing” about her.
