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My Awful Wife

(Note: I might exaggerate a bit to make a point)

My wife is a superb cook & a regular MacGyver in the kitchen.  She can make something out of almost any combination of ingredients which is good because we often have weird random shit in the kitchen.  Just the other day all we had were rotting sardines & a cough medicine & she whipped up a delicious coq au vin.  She’s been known to make world class sushi out of a loafer & a radio.

But with how good a chef she is I feel it is my duty to nitpick about some of the things she does that irritate me since one of my greatest strengths is seeing fault in others.  First,I don’t know what her major fucking malfunction is but she constantly uses bowls & dishes that are too small.  It’s like in her anal (the bad kind) world you have to have the exact right size of dish or bowl for everything even though it’s impossible to do.  She’ll fill a bunch of ingredients right up to the brim of the bowl leaving it absolutely no room to stir & then she’ll just not stir it at all ruining the dish.

Speaking of which, she never makes quite enough of a given food.  When we’re having a dish with rice she makes like a quarter cup of rice.  Obviously she’s trying to save money because a cup of rice costs about 13 cents, despite the fact that she regularly shops at Whole Foods where a 2-pack of chicken breasts costs $61.  And even though everyone in the family eats peas she makes exactly 7 peas for us all to share.

Finally, let’s get to the weirdest, possibly most infuriating thing she does.  She has a habit of substituting a single ingredient in a dish to try to make it “healthier.”  Why use those fattening eggs in an omelet when you can just as easily use toothpaste?  Why use chocolate for brownies when you could substitute a Mexican gardener.  No need for meat in a sauce when there’s low-fat Lithium lying around.

The point here is not to condemn her but to show how she takes everything good in life & manages to find a way to ruin it :(

  1. brianabrams reblogged this from cornlog
  2. nothingtoblog reblogged this from cornlog and added:
    often ‘lol’,
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